In retrospect feelings…

Please don’t minimize me.
Don’t minimize my feelings, don’t minimize my reactions.  What’s wrong with just letting me have and experience the emotions as they come?
Is it because you’re scared I’m going to cry?  Is it because you’re scared YOU’RE going to cry?  Crying won’t kill us you know!  Sometimes it feels like it… but I’ve discovered that usually the reason it feels like it’s going to give you heart failure and choke you is because you’re trying to NOT cry.
I find so often that I have an intense reaction to something and I’m brushed off or minimized.  My hysteria (because I assume that’s what you think it is!) is usually short lived and then my rational and sane brain cells take over and I’m much more reasonable.
I’m tired of being expected to be sunny and warm and level all the time.  I’m exhausted from trying to be ‘happy’ all the time.  To not say what I”m feeling. To not say what I want or even *gasp!* what I need.  Do you really think I don’t need anything?  Do you really think that because I don’t say what I feel and what I need/want that I don’t feel anything and don’t need/want anything?  That’s a ridiculous and wildly narcissistic way of behaving don’t you think?  Every person has needs.  Physical, emotional and spiritual needs.  Is it easier for you to pretend I don’t?  Do you really want to even know someone that doesn’t have needs?  Wouldn’t they be flat and uninspiring?  Do you think my job is a joke and I fool around all day?  That it’s not upsetting to me to find out someone I know well has Cancer?  Aren’t you shocked if I don’t have a reaction to something emotionally traumatic?  Are you that self absorbed?
Now, I know, it’s not that I didn’t actually express my emotions… it’s more that when I did, you had to be MORE upset, MORE angry or MORE whatever I was feeling.  My emotional wellbeing became to feel like a contest.  How can you be MORE upset than me that my sister is sick, or that I’m feuding with my dad?  WHY do you want to be MORE?  Why can’t you just be.. just be!  And why can’t you just be there for me?  Why does my experience have to turn around and be about you?  Why do you have to make everything about you?  When I’m dealing with something emotionally important, why do you have to turn into a cold block of ice?  That makes my experience about YOU!  Because I can’t just let go and be me when I have to mitigate whatever act you’re putting on.  It’s exhausting!
I’m glad I don’t have to deal with this anymore.  Because I’d rather be all by myself and know I have to deal with my pain on my own than to have someone pretend to be there for me and make everything ten times harder than it needs to be!

4 thoughts on “In retrospect feelings…

  1. Because anything that wasn't 'happy' or 'about him' made him shut down… imagine me, crying on the sofa… my mind going to the worst possible place a twin's mind can go about her twin… and then doing and saying NOTHING to offer any comfort… and then deciding that the best cure for me and my sadness was to 'put me to bed' at 8pm all by myself and then shut the lights off and close the door….

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