I’m sorry

First, I would like to apologize to you all in advance for probably lying to you over the past year.  I did it to preserve myself and I know now that if I would have told the truth about what was going on, that maybe you could have helped.  You all did help in all the ways that you could, given the sometimes sparse and incorrect information I was handing out.  I also want to thank you for being part of the rescue boat team that ended up saving my sinking ship.
 
Randomly:
 
1.  I am a walking example of ‘when you feel ready, you’ll do it’.  I’m pretty sure it was Tara that said ‘Just keep doing what you’re doing.  When you get tired of it, and you will, then you’ll start doing something else’ (loosely paraphrased because I’m too L to go and find it in the comments!).
And it’s my friend Kathleen that has always said ‘Just change one small thing at a time and then get used to it and then change the next small thing’.
Living with Pat saw me miserable and unhealthy!  We ate out all the time, I was made to feel guilty when I wanted to stay home and eat a bagel and cream cheese for dinner if what he wanted was ‘out’.  I stopped cooking because the kitchen lived in a constant state of ‘unuseableness’ (that is so a word!).  When he moved out, I knew I wanted to change, well… almost everything.  I stopped eating out entirely.  In the last two months I’ve eaten out now four times.  Twice with my sister at the pizza joint, once with my sister for breakfast and yesterday morning with Sam.  When I’m hungry, instead of thinking of the fastest thing, which would normally be ‘out’, I now go for something in my house.  Whether that’s a bagel with cheddar cheese or Thai rice with poached eggs or something more complex like stew or meatloaf.  I want to know exactly what is in my food, right down to the last sprinkle of seasoning and the only way to know that is to make it myself.  Now, that’s not to say that when I was first making this change I ate super healthy things.  I didn’t.  I ate whatever I wanted so long as it was made by my hand!
 
Now that I’m feeling more settled and comfortable, I decided it’s time to pick back up The Zone eating plan and tailor my ‘eat only at home’ plan with foods that are a bit more balanced.  I’m so ready to start paying attention to labels, quantities and how my body feels when I eat different items.  I wasn’t able to do that with my previous living situation because every nigth eating out was a crushing blow to any good decisions I’d made that day.  It was also difficult because if I (which I stopped doing) would buy the ingredients to make a certain number of zone lunches or breakfasts, that was always quickly consumed… anyway, basically my drive and ambition to eat healthy and take care of myself waned.  It’s back now and I’m on board!  Busted out the ol’ scale to make sure I was still ‘eyeballing’ correctly (turns out you don’t really forget those types of things), read the binder to remind myself of the hormonal properties of food and now I’m off!
 
2.  I made tofu last night.  I forgot it is made from Soy, which I actively try and avoid.  It was disgusting anyway… It had the texture of chewing on an old leather workboot and I really hate things that taste like nothing… I mean the sauce was good, but the actual tofu chunks don’t really have their own flavor… Unfortunately I have to eat it for lunch today… I might sub out most of the tofu and eat the left over Cottage Cheese that I have…
 
3.  I’m now on Pinterest and GoodReads.  I swear it’s like a full time job keeping up with all of these sites.  Besides the sites, I get about a dozen ‘junk’ emails a day… I mean, they’re not junk because I did sign up for them, but it’s overwhelming to wake up at 6am and have ten unread emails.  I usually just delete them on receipt because if I let it go for even a week (because I don’t have time to read them during the week), there would be at LEAST 60, not including emails from people I WANT to hear from and other ‘bonus’ emails.
 
4.  On the knitting front, I am on a roll with the plan to get things off the needles and finished.  I put five things on the thread on Rav that I wanted to get done.  The Blankie (check), The Purple (check), The Ribbing (check… I ripped that puppy out, which was the plan), The Bestee Pressie (check) and now I’m almost to the edging on the Alpaca Tarp.  And with that I even cast on, knit and finished a hat for Sam.  He wanted a Viking Hat, which for two years I refused to make… Then we came to a compromise about how ‘viking-esque’ it would be and I conceded to make it.  I think I’m in love with making Worsted weight hats!  It took me about five or six hours to do.  Not bad!  I’m going to use the leftover and make my dad one, since the hat he got last year is apparently not really wind resistant.  I think I’m going to make him the Christopher Hat by Jane Richmond, but I’m going to do with without a pattern… It’s a double thickness hat, which should keep his head much warmer!  I’m quite excited about it actually and want to go home RIGHT NOW to start it!
 
that’s about it for now… Here’s a picture of Sam’s new hat!
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2 thoughts on “I’m sorry

  1. I don't think that you need to apologize to anyone, people do what needs to get done in order to make it through as unscathed as possible. I think it's great that you've admitted that your desire and drive waned and even better that you got it back now and are moving forward. Life throws curveballs and occassionally there is nothing you can do except ride it out until such time as you have the ability and energy to make a change.I'm definitely in your support camp!

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