What defines a failure? There’s a poster on Pinterest that says something cliche like ‘You only fail if you don’t try’. Okay, that’s straight up bullshit! I mean, yes, if you don’t try, then you fail at what you want. But what about people that try EVERYTHING and nothing works? Does that not make some of those attempts failures? What if you stick to the one thing and go on and on, trying to FORCE it to work for you? Is that better than giving it up?
This thought came about yesterday when I burst into tears in Whole Foods. I went there with a friend with the intention to buy a ‘treat’. My self esteem and my self love and self worth and every other ‘self’ thing was on the ground getting a stomping and I wanted something to make me feel better. Well, there’s also a poster on Pinterest that says ‘Don’t reward yourself with food. You are not a dog’. I think there should be one that says ‘Don’t console yourself with food’. My friend mentioned that she had signed up online for weight watchers and was having success with it because she felt that if she had to write down what she was eating, she would make sure she wasn’t ashamed of what she was writing. She mentioned that she thought that I was doing such a good job on my zone plan and eating breakfast and lunch and not eating out, giving up coffee etc… I said that yes, I did try that but it doesn’t seem to stick… and she said something that made me cry in Whole Foods. ‘Maybe you’re not ready. Maybe you’ve come out of something so traumatic that you’re not ready to make more change. Maybe you should just be happy that you’re where you are now and not where you were four months ago’. So what I want to know is ‘When are you ready’. When does it stop feeling like you’re in quick sand? I feel like in the last few weeks I’ve been transported back to the sad and dark place that I banished months ago… I had such a beautiful small window of time in the summer that I was unstoppable. I was happy, content and comfortable. Did that not really happen? Was that fake? It didn’t feel fake… But what I feel now doesn’t feel fake either. I feel like there’s a lump in my throat the size of a baseball all the time… I don’t want to get out of bed, I’m unimaginative, despondant, disinterested… all those things that remind me of being in a very dark and unpleasant place. Does this make me a failure? I’ve been given (or have taken for myself) a new path in life… I’m only responsible for myself and I don’t have the responsibility of managing someone else and my own self in a way that makes managing the other person easier… Sound confusing? Try living it! Anyway… it’s difficult to not feel like a failure… My sister took her life and turned it around when she was unhappy and made herself healthy, happy and thriving… She kept going even through possibly the worst year of her life. My friend Tara is a force to be reckoned with. She makes time for herself within a household of two toddlers and a difficult situation… She keeps pushing and perservering to get what she wants. My friend Sharon surivived last year when her dad died tragically and she’s still going, still pushing, still making her life what she wants it. I”m surrounded by strong successful women and I can’t get it together enough to not want to cry all the time… feels like failure to me.