Ruined

 Okay, so it’s no secret on here that I go see an accupuncturist named Dr. Ed.  I’ve declared him at the top of my list of people that helped to save me this summer.  He knows my innermost thoughts, fears, anxiety and hopes for the future.  He’s more than a practitioner at this point, he’s my friend.  I’m excited to tell him news and events that go on in my life and I know that if I’m having a bad day or in need of some soul help/cleansing, he’s the guy to go to.  His office is one of the few ‘safe places’ that I had this year and I protect it vigourously. 
 
I’ve told Dr. Ed that I only refer him to people I know that I would feel comfortable with them knowing that I go there.  I’ve referred him to a couple of people and held back his contact info to many.  He understands this and equally protects my privacy and safe place.  I believe we all need a safe place…
 
So today, as I was referring him to someone I did feel comfortable with knowing, I heard footsteps running up behind me and one of the new-ish girls here ask me if I said ‘Dr. Ed’.  It was at that moment that my stomach started to turn inside out and I wanted to hit the rewind button a million times.  Yes, I said.  Dr. Ed.  Well, then she wanted to discuss him, asked what he and I talk about, how long I’d been going etc… It’s my biggest nightmare.  I don’t want random people I know in my safe place.  I don’t want her to mention to him that she knows me (which she certainly doesn’t know a thing about me) and for them to even for a nanosecond discuss that they both know me.  I don’t want Dr. Ed to say what a wonderful person he thinks I am (which I know he would because he loves me, as he’s told me many times).
 
I sent him an email the second I got back (running) to my desk.  Please remember you are my safe place.  Please deny knowing me.  Please don’t speak, whisper or breathe a word about me to someone else.  Please please PLEASE don’t show even a crack in the armour of my safe place that someone else can climb into.
 
This situation is absolutely terrifying me for reasons unknown and potentially irrationally.  My mind is split between never going there again and knowing that I’d never give up that relationship.  There’s a tearing feeling in my heart that I’ve ruined something pure and special and that it will never be the way it was ever again.  I’ve never protected something so ferociously as I protect my Dr. Ed space and now I don’t know what to do.
 
What do I do?
 
Sad 😦
Advertisements

One thought on “Ruined

  1. I think you can trust Dr. Ed to respect your privacy and not discuss you to this other person. I also don't think you should abandon this space for you. People like dr. Ed are special to you because of that connection YOU have with them. This is bond that only you and he have eventhough he may have other relationships. That bond and connection cannot be taken away from you regardless of this girl's or any other persons relationship with him. Find a thought that you cam put in your mind that will allow you to hold onto that connection to him and the feeling of safety. And no matter what this girl may say to you in the future about dr Ed, when youre holding onto that connection it can't be lost. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I use this technique (resourcing – a thought, image, memory that feels good) to restore that connection when I feel anxious about losing it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s