Done… or Am I?

Okay so I was going to cheer a little celebration that yesterday was the 30th day of my Whole 30… but really… nothing changes.. I don’t go back to eating bagels and cheddar cheese for dinner or accepting the offers of chocolates in the office.  I don’t bust into my 18 bottles of wine in my bar (I need to have a PARTY!) or drink Jack Daniels straight from the bottle… (no I didn’t actually used to do that…. Did I???)

A Whole 30 is a great reset… a great way to remind myself of all the reasons that I choose this lifestyle.  It’s a tool to break the bit of a rut one (me) can kind of get into every once in a while when we (I) let too many treats go by.

The thing is… even the book says… No one is expected to do Whole365… not a single person.  We are ALL expected to build in off roading to be able to keep some balance, participate in life events and generally feel some modicum of sanity… sometimes ice cream IS sanity.

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I didn’t know what I was supposed to learn from this Whole 30…. Well, I think what I’m learning right now is that it is important to listen to my body… it doesn’t want to be done.  It doesn’t want carrot cake yet… it doesn’t want wine with a friend and it doesn’t want to stop at 30 days.  Maybe it will want to stop at 35 days… or 40… I don’t know… what I do know is that I am going to let it tell me… in the meantime, I’ll keep Whole30ing on…

I also think it’s wildly unfair that my 30 day success picture was taken today, at the 2nd day of my Puffer-Fish Week… and the numbers… well they’re off too now… I know I lost 8lbs in the first three weeks… now the scale says I’ve gained it all back plus some…. That is not accurate and is yet another reason why the scale is kind of useless…

Anyway, here is the December 29th picture and today’s picture, 30 days later.

January W30

Also a before and after from when I first started this little journey… I’ve made a pact that once my 1 year W30 anniversary passes, I will no longer make before and after photos using the old 2013 picture.  I am not that person anymore… in any aspect of my life.  And to keep comparing after the 1 year anniversary seems a bit pointless.  I will keep them all tho… printed out and put in an envelope with all my other important documents and then I will erase them from my phone.

March to January

Good luck to everyone on the last hundred yard dash of January Whole 30 and to those starting! You can do it!

Hold my Hand

My sister and I are doing a 5 KM ‘fun run’ on Sunday.

It’s kind of a big deal you see.

We have never in our lives (that I can remember from the time we were 15… which is a long time ago but please don’t do the math!) been in the same place health and fitness wise as each other.

When I’ve been in shape and in a healthy frame of mind, she has not.  When she made her move to improve her life and her health/fitness, I was going down the path of self-destruction… a path I went a loooong way down.

Now, here in our 35th year, we are finally in a place in life where we are walking down the same road in the same direction… near about the same spot on the road even.  If you’re picturing that road, we’re so close to each other we could reach out and hold hands.

So on Sunday, when we run this race together, I plan to hold her hand as we cross the finish line.  We’ve worked very hard and waited a long time for the chance to do that.

Wish us luck!

Delinquency is not really an option here…

Do you know what’s annoying? Making a life choice that stinks.  Oh sure, my life doesn’t stink and the choices that I’ve made probably don’t really stink either. But it’s really annoying when you put restrictions and boundaries in place for yourself and then they come back to cause you trouble.

What the heck am I talking about?  Why food, of course!

In the good old days of not caring what I put into my body, I could spend an entire Sunday laying on the sofa and not give a flying rat butt about the next day’s meal, let alone week.  I could always just run to the store and grab a bag of bagels and a hunk of cheddar cheese and that was dinner.  Breakfast wasn’t even on my radar unless it was a muffin… with chocolate in it!  And lunch could be anything or nothing… I’d eat a brownie for an afternoon snack if I was hungry…

Since I’ve put restrictions on myself that include not eating brownies and chocolate filled muffins (seriously!) and not skipping meals, it’s made my life harder.  What’s that about?  I thought we were supposed to do things in our lives that made them easier… more navigable… work smarter, not harder…

I can no longer spend an entire morning and afternoon lolling around in bed taking naps… I mean, I can, but the chicken is not going to cook itself…the salad dressing will not blend itself and the kale and eggs can’t steam/cook themselves.  And before any of that even happens, I’m required to spend a significant amount of time THINKING about food… what will I eat… How much should I cook.  I’m only one person, so cooking huge batches of anything doesn’t really work well unless I want to eat the same thing for dinner 12 days in a row.  Even cooking a pork roast… the smallest one I can find, means that I’ll be eating pork all week.  Last week I prepped/made pork roast, a chicken curry and meatza crusts for dinner.  Uh, for one person, that is a LOT of food… the crust and the curry all ended up in the freezer. I might have to consider looking up what other singles do because unless I just eat the same thing/two things in a week, which I already do for every breakfast and lunch, it’s kind of hard…

I did spend almost all of yesterday in bed.  I know when my body is tired and I am not out of the woods of this incredibly emotional time right now so I didn’t feel bad about it.  It’s just that it’s kind of stressful knowing that the freedom of eating whatever you want (or nothing) is not there… I have set up my life to force responsibility around certain things and that can’t be let to slide…

I’m very tired and I hope any of this makes any sense… In a nut shell: 

I’m tired.

I can’t eat bagels and cheddar cheese.

Food won’t cook itself.

That is sometimes stressful.

This makes me tired.

The end.

Trauma and a Date

I’ve been lucky in the last year that I’ve been living under some sort of a lucky star… the intensity of my ‘rehab’ if you will was not derailed (or even potentially derailed) by anything.  I was gifted with almost a year of stability to strengthen the parts inside me that needed strengthening.  To make habits that I had hoped would last a lifetime.  To define priorities and then work toward living based on those priorities.

One of the things that I have been very worried about in my own health and fitness journey has been what will happen when something tragic or traumatic happens.  Of course one traumatic event can not be compared to living in a steadily worsening abusive relationship but that time ruined me and I didn’t know if I trusted myself to be able to handle the sort of shit that life throws at you that you have to deal with while you keep moving forward.  What if this ‘new me’ was but a temporary sham I was living and the second that something bad happened, I fell apart again?

This is the very same reason that I have been uncomfortable up to this point in dating…What if I just gave myself away the second someone came along and asked… or worse… didn’t ask but just took.  What if I didn’t learn a single thing and I was just going to fall back into the same trap… That ‘what if’ has kept me from even considering dating…

Last week was emotional and difficult and that culminated in an incredibly complicated and traumatic weekend.  People at work keep asking how my weekend was and I’m certainly not going to share my personal life with them, but every time the question is posed, I am taken off guard and I become speechless as I look back on the train wreck of the last few days.

The good thing that came out of this… the one bit of silver lining I could find was that it didn’t level me.  It could have.  The sheer level of exhaustion I am dealing with could take my knees out from underneath me in an instant.  I will not allow it.  I will not allow something temporarily sad and traumatic to harm me. To derail me.  Did I cry?  Sure.  A LOT!  Did I take a nap?  Yes, of course.  Did I also eat all my Whole30 meals and grocery shop and do my food prep?  Yep.  Did I talk to my friends and my sister instead of going into hiding? Yes!

At the same time as this emotional trauma was happening, I just so happened to be starting to date for the first time in years.  (of course when it rains it pours!)  I am having a very nice time and I’ve met someone who is definitely considered a keeper and we have agreed to not see other people for now just to see where this goes… if it goes no where then fine but it deserves a chance to see if it goes somewhere and that means proper dedication to it.  Plus, there’s no way I could be a serial dater anyway…

I’m trying very hard to feel the fear and do it anyway… not that I’m planning on ignoring any signs that things may be off, but I have some serious hangups about dating, given my past and I will not allow them to derail me anymore than I allowed the trauma this weekend to derail me.  I will take quiet time to sit with my thoughts and feelings and work out if they are just errant self preservation and remnants of old me, or if they are genuine cause for concern.  I will allow my friends and family to meet this person sooner rather than later and I will be open minded about the entire situation, whichever way it goes… Because I owe that to myself. 

I think I’m starting to realize that I have learned my lessons… and I am strong enough to engage in even the tough parts of life and still make it out the other side in tact.

A Lesson I didn’t know I had to learn

You are not supposed to weigh yourself on Whole30.  It’s right there in the rules and if anyone knows me, they know I like rules… especially as it pertains to food.  The idea is that if you don’t weigh yourself during the 30 days, you’re more likely to be aware and appreciative of the other things that are improving from the experience.  Well, I generally live my life to the W30 code.. I know all the amazing results that are beyond weight… it’s why I keep to it for the most part even when I’m not officially on Whole30.

My skin is better, my sleep is better, my mood and tolerance is better.  My tummy is happy, I’m more energetic, more alert, less likely to cry.  I don’t think about food obsessively, I have no problem turning down treats because I am not sugar/simple carb addicted.  I’m less puffy and waxy looking which is something that I loathe…

One new thing I learned about the W30 and myself so far this time is that when I’m on it, I crave being outside.  There must be something about all the fresh food that makes me crave the fresh air.  I want to walk for miles, climb a mountain, run around the block all at the same time just to get outside and breathe as much fresh air as possible.

These are all things that a number on a scale can’t give you.

So all that said, it’s a very good idea to weigh yourself at the beginning of your W30 journey and then at the end and no where in between.  You need to learn these things and being obsessed by a number isn’t a good learning environment.

I was going to say that I broke that rule because as a person who generally lives on the Whole30, I didn’t need 30 days of no weighing to understand all the other benefits… only if I found this new ‘fresh air’ benefit in the last 9 days… what could I find in the next 21 days that might also be eye opening or interesting or worth learning… Such a silly goose am I that I actually thought that there was nothing left for me to learn.

Well, I have broken the rule.  I was going to tell you about the numbers in the last 9 days and pat myself on the back, but I think instead, I’ll just keep that little tidbit to myself and use it as a learning experience.  I learned that when you do the right things… what your body wants… you are successful.  And for the next 21 days I will remove the batteries from the scale and try and learn whatever else this program has to teach me this time.  I’m not going to start my W30 over just because I weighed myself… My intention was to extend it anyway so it’s likely I’ll make up those 9 days…

So I guess the lesson I learned is one I didn’t know I was supposed to learn… which is that there is always something new to discover and we (I) should never be so arrogant as to think that I know it all.

That’s not the way I thought this blog post was going to go but the writing of it has been eye opening and cathartic.  Win win I guess right?

Waiting for Superman

My friend says he’s confused as to why I”m not blissfully married yet… I told him it’s because I’ve been in hiding for years.  My sister said that in order to find love, to not worry about it and just keep living an open life… I was looking through pictures tonight and found all these selfies taken in 2013… I think if I can stay true to that girl in 2014 and stay out of hiding, I just might let my superman find me. (Music is from Daughtry’s new album Baptism)
(I certainly hope it’s just my ipad acting up and bouncing the photos around like that… I”ll fix it in the morning if it’s actually like that.)