I’ve been lucky in the last year that I’ve been living under some sort of a lucky star… the intensity of my ‘rehab’ if you will was not derailed (or even potentially derailed) by anything. I was gifted with almost a year of stability to strengthen the parts inside me that needed strengthening. To make habits that I had hoped would last a lifetime. To define priorities and then work toward living based on those priorities.
One of the things that I have been very worried about in my own health and fitness journey has been what will happen when something tragic or traumatic happens. Of course one traumatic event can not be compared to living in a steadily worsening abusive relationship but that time ruined me and I didn’t know if I trusted myself to be able to handle the sort of shit that life throws at you that you have to deal with while you keep moving forward. What if this ‘new me’ was but a temporary sham I was living and the second that something bad happened, I fell apart again?
This is the very same reason that I have been uncomfortable up to this point in dating…What if I just gave myself away the second someone came along and asked… or worse… didn’t ask but just took. What if I didn’t learn a single thing and I was just going to fall back into the same trap… That ‘what if’ has kept me from even considering dating…
Last week was emotional and difficult and that culminated in an incredibly complicated and traumatic weekend. People at work keep asking how my weekend was and I’m certainly not going to share my personal life with them, but every time the question is posed, I am taken off guard and I become speechless as I look back on the train wreck of the last few days.
The good thing that came out of this… the one bit of silver lining I could find was that it didn’t level me. It could have. The sheer level of exhaustion I am dealing with could take my knees out from underneath me in an instant. I will not allow it. I will not allow something temporarily sad and traumatic to harm me. To derail me. Did I cry? Sure. A LOT! Did I take a nap? Yes, of course. Did I also eat all my Whole30 meals and grocery shop and do my food prep? Yep. Did I talk to my friends and my sister instead of going into hiding? Yes!
At the same time as this emotional trauma was happening, I just so happened to be starting to date for the first time in years. (of course when it rains it pours!) I am having a very nice time and I’ve met someone who is definitely considered a keeper and we have agreed to not see other people for now just to see where this goes… if it goes no where then fine but it deserves a chance to see if it goes somewhere and that means proper dedication to it. Plus, there’s no way I could be a serial dater anyway…
I’m trying very hard to feel the fear and do it anyway… not that I’m planning on ignoring any signs that things may be off, but I have some serious hangups about dating, given my past and I will not allow them to derail me anymore than I allowed the trauma this weekend to derail me. I will take quiet time to sit with my thoughts and feelings and work out if they are just errant self preservation and remnants of old me, or if they are genuine cause for concern. I will allow my friends and family to meet this person sooner rather than later and I will be open minded about the entire situation, whichever way it goes… Because I owe that to myself.
I think I’m starting to realize that I have learned my lessons… and I am strong enough to engage in even the tough parts of life and still make it out the other side in tact.